Another Duck Joke!

Courtesy of The Legend:

A duck walks into a bar one day at lunch time. He orders a beer and a ham sandwich. After several days of the same lunch order the bartender says "Never saw a duck eat lunch in here before." The duck replies, "Well get use to it. I'm working on the construction job across the street."

The next day the duck comes in and the bartender tells him about the job offer. The duck looks surprised and asks "The circus is where animals do tricks inside a big tent right?" The bartender agrees. The duck asks, "What the hell would they need with a drywaller?"

Shorties

Who is Irish and lives in your backyard?
Paddy O'Furniture!

How do you make Holy Water?
Take regular water and boil the hell out of it!

Finger Lickin' Good

A young lesbian couple is vacationing in on a ranch, and one of the women comes up to a man roping steer and asks him if he's a real cowboy. "Yes, ma'am," he replies, "I rope steer, I ride horses, I watch the cattle...I'm a cowboy alright! What do you do?"

"Well," says the woman, "I'm a lawyer, but I'm also a lesbian."

The cowboy scratches his head and says "Sorry ma'am, but what's a lesbian?"

"I like women," replies the lesbian, "I like going to dinner with women, holding hands with women and sleeping with women. That sort of thing."

"Ahhh," says the cowboy, "I understand."

A week later, another couple visits the ranch. The woman asks the cowboy "Are you a real cowboy?"

"Yes, ma'am, I sure am." The cowboy pauses. "Come to think of it, I'm also lesbian."

Prickly

What did one porcupine say to the other?
"Ouch!"

What did the porcupine say to the cactus?
"Are you my mother?"

The Infamous Duck Joke

A long time favorite. It's long, but it's got a duck.
A duck walks into a bar, waddles up to the counter, hops up on the bar, looks at the bartender and says, "Got any grapes?"

"Nooooo," says the bartender, "this is a bar. We have wine, beer, mixed drinks, even some pretzels...but no grapes. Sorry buddy." The duck shrugs his wings and waddles off.

The next day, the same duck walks into the bar, waddles up to the counter, hops up on the bar, looks at the bartender and says, "Got any grapes?"

The bartender looks the duck up and down and says, "I told you yesterday, this is a bar. We don't have any grapes. We aren't going to get any grapes. Now if you don't want a drink, you'd better scoot." The duck shrugs his wings and waddles off.

The next day, the same duck walks into the bar, waddles up to the counter, hops up on the bar, looks at the bartender and says, "Got any grapes?"

The bartender is getting pissed off. He looks menacingly at the duck and says, "I've told you twice already, I'm telling you one more time: NO GRAPES! You come in here asking for grapes again and I'm going to nail your damn webbed feet to this bar!" The duck shrugs his wings and waddles off.

The next day, the same duck walks into the bar, waddles up to the counter, hops up on the bar and looks at the bartender. The bartender scowls, "What do you want?"

The duck says, "Got any nails?"

The bartender is taken rather aback. "Uh, no?"

The duck nods. "Got any grapes?"

Maaaaaaaad

I heard this one on the radio:
Two cows are standing in a field and one turns to the other and says, "So Maisie, what do you think about all this talk of Mad Cow Disease?" Maisie replies, "What do I care? I'm a helicopter!"

Three Little Old Ladies

Three old ladies named Gertrude, Maude and Tillie were sitting on a park bench having a quiet conversation when a flasher approached from across the park. The flasher came up to the ladies, stood right in front of them and opened his trench coat.

Gertrude immediately had a stroke.

Then Maude also had a stroke.

But Tillie, being older and more feeble, couldn't reach that far.

Love Spell

I don't remember where I first heard this one, but it's great for telling at pagan events:
A young man fell madly in love with a young woman he had met, and he just couldn't get her out of his mind, but she didn't seem to notice him, so he went to visit the local witches for help. After hearing his problem, the witches confered with one another, then returned to him with a bottle of aspirin.

The elder witch informed him, "You must go to your beloved's home at midnight, and in her yard, dig thirteen holes. Then place one aspirin in each of the thirteen holes, and cover them up with dirt. In one month's time she will love you, and in a year you will marry."

Well, the young man did as he was told, and sure enough, the young woman fell in love with him. A year later they were married, and the young man returned to thank the witches.

"I'm the happiest man alive! But I have to ask....why did that work?"

The Eldest witch stood up tall and straight while the other witches gathered 'round, and she shared the secret wisdom of their Work, "If you must know: Nothing says lovin' like somethin' from the Coven, and pills buried say it best!"